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| Traditional Benteng Chinese wedding in the village |
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| Modern Chinese New Year celebration |
This year my mother has been struck by a sudden illness. I needed to take over all her business and social duties without much preparation. As a seasoned traveller in business and leisure, I am aware of cultural differences. But there is a huge difference between knowing and actually living a culture. I was forced to plunge and blend in into the society because I was my mother's only relative. Couchsurfing turned out to be extremely helpful because I met my CS friends Diana and Magdalena. They guided me to cope with cultural differences and Diana even helped me to find a retirement residence for my mother. I do have Indonesian friends that are not on CS too. Lovely people, wealthy, highly educated and well-traveled but unlike me, they haven't had a globalised parental education from their first baby crawl. So, sometimes it has been a challenging act to bridge the differences in perception. Here are a few cultural differences which highly differ from mine:
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| These friendly Muslim nurses are against over-structured society, hypocrisy and adult authority |
Unwritten social rules
At least outwardly, ethnicity differences seem to be a big no-no in European or Australian societies. In Indonesia it is different. Mentioning ethnicity differences and even a certain degree of racism is socially acceptable. People address the elderly, the Chinese, the Christian indigenous and the Muslims differently with different names. For instance if they assume that somebody is Chinese they will automatically call them Ci(older sister in Chinese) or tante(auntie). The problem with this kind of social etiquette is: Somebody will automatically be placed in a box or given a place in society just based on their looks. Some Chinese look like indigenous Indonesians and many indigenous Indonesians look like Chinese, some older people look younger, some younger people look older.
The best solution would be to find a common term to address the people and nobody will be distinguished by their age or ethnicity. Former President Sukarno suggested that everybody should be called bapak(Mr) or ibu(Mrs, Ms) which can be directed at any person regardless of age and ethnicity. I quite appreciate the Muslim indigenous Indonesian who call everybody mbak, ibu or bapak regardless whether they are Chinese or indigenous.
Respect the elderly or adult authority?
Respecting the elderly seems to be the cornerstone of the Asian culture. But what people in certain circles consider respect is in fact adult authority in the most narrow pyramid form. Mario Teguh, well-known Indonesian TV talkshow master repeatedly discussed the topic "respect" in all its forms. One of the topics that received special attention was: Respect needed to be earned and not demanded. This means that younger people and children do deserve respect especially when they have outstanding achievements. A lot of younger and older people in this country seem to evolve and start to think outside the usual box. A very good development!
A different approach towards raising children
Non-Western parents also tend to be overbearing and overprotective to their children. A great deal of Western parents do not prohibit their kids to climb a tree because they should learn the hard way. Only after they experience that falling off a tree can be excruciatingly painful, they will realise that they need to be more careful in such endeavors. Indonesian parents have the habit to protect children from getting hurt by just preventing them from climbing a tree or riding a motor bike.
Due to this kind of upbringing we often see that young Indonesians have less self-confidence than their Western counterparts. While Western youngsters leave their parent's home to live on their own at the age of 18, Indonesian people often live with their parents until the age of 30. On the other hand, it is quite encouraging to see a lot of changes made to Indonesian society rules and younger people have often become more assertive. A lot of parents start to question the old methods and start to raise their children to be more independent.
Hypocrisy towards the elderly
One Asian girl told me that "the elderly help us when we need financial help, therefore we do what they tell us". Well, in my opinion this is not respect but a form of extreme top down authority. It is difficult to understand for my social upbringing. On the other hand, older people are not taken seriously in business and day-to-day affairs.
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| My mother's birthday international brunch at Four season's Hotel Kuningan |
My mother is a very independent lady and as she wanted to clarify issues with technical problems in her house, the government worker shouted at her very disrespectfully "Your child should take care of it!!!" And people sometimes do not realise that some elderly have no relatives anymore. When an elderly person does not behave according to acceptable norms, this attitude is automatically judged as signs of getting older. This is extremely hypocritical considering that the elderly should deserve respect.
People over 70 are considered helpless and childish in Indonesia while in the western world they still run marathons. As my mother has been operated, I was quite astonished that it was me who had to sign the consent form. I told the people that I considered it a blatant insult to the address of the senior-aged people. Relatives can also sue doctors if anything goes wrong. However,a few exceptions in Indonesia still have outstanding performance at the age of nearly 100!
Lack of appreciation towards somebody else's time If you have an appointment in Jakarta, it is nearly impossible to be on time due to traffic jams. But people seem to set their own time schedule and just make up not overly intelligent lies. They would cancel on you half an hour before the appointment saying that they have a meeting. Of course I don'T believe them.. As far as I am informed, even in Indonesia business meetings are scheduled and I have a business meeting with them too. "Can I come tomorrow because I have a meeting today?" they ask. . I told them that they had wasted my time today and going to ruin my next day.
The word privacy does not exist because it is not there
The word privacy in Indonesia does not exist because you simply cannot have it. What does the word privacy actually mean? One of the many meanings is the right to do whatever you think is right for you. For instance if a person has piercings and weird clothes, people in the Western world may not like it but they respect their privacy or right to do whatever they see fit. In Indonesia, people on the street will probably follow and ridicule them. I was not allowed to wear shorts in a Tai Chi group training session because all the others had long pants on. Of course I can understand that they have to wear uniformed clothes in a performance.
I told them that in a training session people could simply wear whatever they wish. Their response reflected more the attitude of kindergarten toddlers. Gossiping while throwing indiscrete looks and finally making fun of me. People easily ask your age and salary, while very insensitive to the other person's reluctance to answer. Even my closer friends don't show much understanding that I don't appreciate them coming to my house just as they please.......It is very clear that the Asian culture is more based on collective values while the Western culture has evolved towards individualism.
The mainstream traveller This is the worst because this group strongly defines themselves through wealth. Tour guides already know that Indonesian travel groups are more interested in shopping than people, culture and scenery. Neighbours and friends seem to nearly demand presents, the so-called oleh oleh from overseas. Travellers are therefore pretty much under pressure of which present they have to buy for which neighbour. They are even prepared to pay excess weight just to accommodate the pressure of their social environment.
It is very fortunate that some enterprising Indonesian people are much into backpacking and adventure; they are often members of Couchsurfing or Indonesian Backpacker Communities. Indonesian Couchsurfers and probably all flash- and backpackers all over the world speak many foreign languages, have a rather globalised view on life and their attitude is mostly untypical for their culture.
Summary
If you travel to any country for just a short time, you will not be really exposed to the real culture. In order to taste the real culture with all the pros and cons, one needs to either work or study in a country for some time. I start to realise this after I came to Indonesia for prolonged periods and had to fulfill certain tasks.
